Thoraiya DyerChoosing the Spa Capsule That’s Right For You
June 17th 2008 00:34
When I saw the ad in the paper for a Time Capsule Treatment, I got excited for a minute.
See, I’m currently reading a science fiction book called “Hyperion”, by Dan Simmons, in which wealthy citizens of a future, galaxy-spanning human civilisation can extend their lives using something called “Poulsen Treatments.”
The treatments might make you glow blue with repeated use, but each treatment can give you an extra 20 years or so.
Is this what will happen to me if I sign up for the “Time Capsule” at the local Beauty Salon? Apparently, it’s the only one of its kind outside Sydney. Something called a “Time Capsule” is bound to make me look 20 years younger, right? (Either that, or they’re going to bury me in the ground for future generations to find).
Sadly, no.
Upon further reading, I discover this:
“To experience the Time Hydro Capsule Treatment, you simply lay back and relax while the steam capsule intensifies the process of your treatment.
Then, while lying in the glittering capsule, enjoy a soft rain shower.”
Let me get this straight. You lock yourself into this coffin-thing with your head poking out, and get surrounded first by steam…and then water.
(Probably not even rain water, at that. Probably the same stuff that comes out of your tap at home. Soft rain shower, my foot.)
Where’s the Time Travel in all that? Where’s the whole Eternal Youth part???
How disappointing. Time must be the name of the brand. I can’t find that particular brand on the web, but here’s one from the United States called Spa Capsule ( Really Long Link ):
It looks cute (and futuristic…in fact it appears more solid and trustworthy than the eroded, peeling space shuttle….are you sure I can’t use it to reach the International Space Station? I have to check on my zero-gravity barley plantings); it has “secret Pulse-Jet Technology that produces the most realistic massage”, it has essential oils and a little TV with headphones to put you into a meditative trance, and you don’t have to take off your clothes because it will pound you with water jets through a waterproof film.
Oh, and it has a “One-Touch Emergency Exit System.” In case you get a crack in your dilithium crystal and need to jettison down onto the planet.
Um, I mean, in case you assemble it wrong, or the patient puts their head on the foot cushions, or something.
The one advertised in my local paper doesn’t have any of the fancy hypnosis stuff, but they offer to give you a scalp massage while you are lying in theirs.
That’s nice.
Even if there is no emergency escape.
But here’s a beauty capsule which really should have an emergency escape button: ( Really Long Link ) The Jimy W-22 Spaceless Fantasy IR and Hydro Spa Equipment.
Spaceless? Then I’m guessing this one definitely doesn’t go to the Japanese Space Brewery. One hopes there is still space inside the thing, though, - say, for a human being to fit into.
Fantasy? Like the Spa Capsule, the W-22 has an aromatherapy function. Not my fantasy, but it might be yours.
IR? This just means the thing has the capacity to toast you like a chestnut on a radiant bar heater. But Jimy has great faith in the power of infra red – also known as plain old heat.
“…infrared is absorbed by human skin so that it can promote skin metabolism and blood cycling to release energy freely. It can take the waste out to make up for the shortage of sports activities. Therefore, it can reduce weight and take the toxin out, clean out the innards, and increase youthful activity. It can be used with Chinese herbs to cure obesity problems, and make the skin and body beautiful, enliven the brains and nerves and strengthen manhood and kidney.”
Need I comment?? My favourite is the manhood strengthening part. Obviously the Beauty parlours don’t know about this - the perfect way to target the male demographic!
The other promoted function which I absolutely love is this one: “Fumigation.”
It’s for parasite control, as well??!!
Since you don’t put your head in it, it probably doesn’t help for head lice, but perhaps gynaecologists everywhere should be sending people with crabs to the local Beauty Parlour instead of the pharmacy. But only if they have a Jimy W-22.
The Time Capsule is not for fumigation, it’s for relaxation.
Still, I hope they don’t get upset if I try to hijack it to the stars.
Tell me if I start glowing blue.
See, I’m currently reading a science fiction book called “Hyperion”, by Dan Simmons, in which wealthy citizens of a future, galaxy-spanning human civilisation can extend their lives using something called “Poulsen Treatments.”
The treatments might make you glow blue with repeated use, but each treatment can give you an extra 20 years or so.
Is this what will happen to me if I sign up for the “Time Capsule” at the local Beauty Salon? Apparently, it’s the only one of its kind outside Sydney. Something called a “Time Capsule” is bound to make me look 20 years younger, right? (Either that, or they’re going to bury me in the ground for future generations to find).
Sadly, no.
Upon further reading, I discover this:
“To experience the Time Hydro Capsule Treatment, you simply lay back and relax while the steam capsule intensifies the process of your treatment.
Then, while lying in the glittering capsule, enjoy a soft rain shower.”
Let me get this straight. You lock yourself into this coffin-thing with your head poking out, and get surrounded first by steam…and then water.
(Probably not even rain water, at that. Probably the same stuff that comes out of your tap at home. Soft rain shower, my foot.)
Where’s the Time Travel in all that? Where’s the whole Eternal Youth part???
How disappointing. Time must be the name of the brand. I can’t find that particular brand on the web, but here’s one from the United States called Spa Capsule ( Really Long Link ):
It looks cute (and futuristic…in fact it appears more solid and trustworthy than the eroded, peeling space shuttle….are you sure I can’t use it to reach the International Space Station? I have to check on my zero-gravity barley plantings); it has “secret Pulse-Jet Technology that produces the most realistic massage”, it has essential oils and a little TV with headphones to put you into a meditative trance, and you don’t have to take off your clothes because it will pound you with water jets through a waterproof film.
Oh, and it has a “One-Touch Emergency Exit System.” In case you get a crack in your dilithium crystal and need to jettison down onto the planet.
Um, I mean, in case you assemble it wrong, or the patient puts their head on the foot cushions, or something.
The one advertised in my local paper doesn’t have any of the fancy hypnosis stuff, but they offer to give you a scalp massage while you are lying in theirs.
That’s nice.
Even if there is no emergency escape.
But here’s a beauty capsule which really should have an emergency escape button: ( Really Long Link ) The Jimy W-22 Spaceless Fantasy IR and Hydro Spa Equipment.
Spaceless? Then I’m guessing this one definitely doesn’t go to the Japanese Space Brewery. One hopes there is still space inside the thing, though, - say, for a human being to fit into.
Fantasy? Like the Spa Capsule, the W-22 has an aromatherapy function. Not my fantasy, but it might be yours.
IR? This just means the thing has the capacity to toast you like a chestnut on a radiant bar heater. But Jimy has great faith in the power of infra red – also known as plain old heat.
“…infrared is absorbed by human skin so that it can promote skin metabolism and blood cycling to release energy freely. It can take the waste out to make up for the shortage of sports activities. Therefore, it can reduce weight and take the toxin out, clean out the innards, and increase youthful activity. It can be used with Chinese herbs to cure obesity problems, and make the skin and body beautiful, enliven the brains and nerves and strengthen manhood and kidney.”
Need I comment?? My favourite is the manhood strengthening part. Obviously the Beauty parlours don’t know about this - the perfect way to target the male demographic!
The other promoted function which I absolutely love is this one: “Fumigation.”
It’s for parasite control, as well??!!
Since you don’t put your head in it, it probably doesn’t help for head lice, but perhaps gynaecologists everywhere should be sending people with crabs to the local Beauty Parlour instead of the pharmacy. But only if they have a Jimy W-22.
The Time Capsule is not for fumigation, it’s for relaxation.
Still, I hope they don’t get upset if I try to hijack it to the stars.
Tell me if I start glowing blue.
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