Thoraiya DyerJesus is OUT, Love Calculators Are IN
May 4th 2008 23:19
It used to be something you could do on your pencil case or a scrap of paper in the back of a boring class in primary school. Easy enough for a Year 3 kid to work out. Even a seven year old can add a bunch of numbers under ten.
For example:
Thoraiya LOVES Jon Bon Jovi
0 4 1 0 0
4 5 1 0
9 6 1
15 7
6 12
= 73%
Oooh, amazing!! The whole happily married to his wife twelve thousand kilometres away in the USA means absolutely nothing! Me and Jon are 73% in love!
You’d try out various combinations, have a good giggle, and then get back to Matthew Flinders (Thoraiya LOVES Matthew Flinders 47%) discovering South Australia.
Now, it seems you actually have to pay for these complex and challenging algorithms.
Yes, I’m talking about the Love Calculator.
Excuse me? It’s somehow offensive for the local shopping centre to put a Nativity scene in a display window at Christmas, but it’s OK to flog love calculators on television in prime time?
That's right. Jesus is out. Love Calculators are in.
For $4.99, you can send a text message from your mobile to a Love Calculator service and wait with anticipation to receive the good or bad news. Some claim to use numerology, some say they need your birthday to match you with your future soul mate using horoscopes.
Nothing to do with finding out your age in the service of marketing research, of course.
So. I’m curious. What calculations are they actually using these days?
Google’s Love Calculator “evaluates the affinity of two people on the basis of the algorithm developed by Matthijs Sypkens Smit and Thijs Kinkhorst.”
A quick peek at Matthijs’ official web page (matthijs.mired.nl) shows his current projects are “research within the NWO-grant assigned on the topic of Integration of Design and Analysis Models IDAM. My attention is geared to two subjects in particular: Local remeshing within the context of feature modeling and Integration of analysis models into the multiple-view design paradigm.”
Poor old Love Calculator doesn’t even rate a mention. Now I will never know how a 27-year-old computer science whiz stumbled on the secret of everlasting devotion.
The description of Softpedia’s Love Calculator reads, “This class implements a numerology algorithm to measure the so called "love factor" between the names of two persons.”
Much as Wikipedia annoys the heck out of me, I’m going to conveniently borrow its definition here:
“Numerology is any of many systems, traditions or beliefs in a mystical or esoteric relationship between numbers and physical objects or living things.
Numerology and numerological divination were popular among early mathematicians, such as Pythagoras, but are no longer considered part of mathematics and are regarded as pseudomathematics by most modern scientists.”
Pseudomathematics, eh? How can I be sure? Anyone can contribute to WikiLoadOfCrappia, and maybe, just maybe, in this instance they are wrong.
At lovecalculator.be, I have a chance to find out for myself.
This calculator seems to have total faith in its predictive ability.
“We've all been in your position before. The feeling of butterflies and weakened knees. It's the love of your life walking passed you. You wish you could reach out and sweep them into your arms but you know that you can't. You don't know if they feel the same way about you!”
Hmm, yes. I have often longed to sweep a box of Lindt’s Hazelnut Lindors into my arms. I just don’t know how they feel about me!
“The Love Calculator uses a complex scientific method that helps to calculate whether or not your crush likes you back! … it will DEFINITELY work for you!”
Eagerly, I type in the names “Thoraiya Dyer” and “Hazelnut Lindors”. The calculator also requires my #2 crush and my #3 crush, so I enter “Pomegranate” and “Tabbouleh” as well.
I am devastated to find out that the whole website is a prank. The names of my crushes have been forwarded to Christi, starry077@aol.com.
OH NO.
NOW EVERYONE KNOWS!
I might just have to end it all. I can never face my peers again.
But, wait. The results of my love calculations are given to me as a consolation prize.
Hazelnut Lindors and I are 77% compatible. Pomegranate comes out at 72% compatible. The clear champion is Tabbouleh, at 89%.
That’s good. I love eating tabbouleh. But the best part of the results page is this:
“Compatibility based on zodiac signs.”
How the heck would they know my zodiac sign without knowing my birthdate? And since when does pomegranate have a zodiac sign?
Oh well. Let’s try one more. With Jesus.
Now, I’m a Muslim, my friend Melissa is a Christian and my husband is an atheist. Let’s see who Jesus loves more!
As expected, Jesus only loves me 54%.
Jesus loves Melissa 66%, which fits with the scenario so far.
BUT, Jesus loves my husband 73%.
I’m afraid we must consider Love Calculator debunked. *has a small cry* However, this is the free love calculator on the internet. The $4.99 love calculator could be totally different.
Wouldn’t count on it, though.
And that’s all I have to say about that.
For example:
Thoraiya LOVES Jon Bon Jovi
0 4 1 0 0
4 5 1 0
9 6 1
15 7
6 12
= 73%
Oooh, amazing!! The whole happily married to his wife twelve thousand kilometres away in the USA means absolutely nothing! Me and Jon are 73% in love!
You’d try out various combinations, have a good giggle, and then get back to Matthew Flinders (Thoraiya LOVES Matthew Flinders 47%) discovering South Australia.
Now, it seems you actually have to pay for these complex and challenging algorithms.
Yes, I’m talking about the Love Calculator.
Excuse me? It’s somehow offensive for the local shopping centre to put a Nativity scene in a display window at Christmas, but it’s OK to flog love calculators on television in prime time?
That's right. Jesus is out. Love Calculators are in.
For $4.99, you can send a text message from your mobile to a Love Calculator service and wait with anticipation to receive the good or bad news. Some claim to use numerology, some say they need your birthday to match you with your future soul mate using horoscopes.
Nothing to do with finding out your age in the service of marketing research, of course.
So. I’m curious. What calculations are they actually using these days?
Google’s Love Calculator “evaluates the affinity of two people on the basis of the algorithm developed by Matthijs Sypkens Smit and Thijs Kinkhorst.”
A quick peek at Matthijs’ official web page (matthijs.mired.nl) shows his current projects are “research within the NWO-grant assigned on the topic of Integration of Design and Analysis Models IDAM. My attention is geared to two subjects in particular: Local remeshing within the context of feature modeling and Integration of analysis models into the multiple-view design paradigm.”
Poor old Love Calculator doesn’t even rate a mention. Now I will never know how a 27-year-old computer science whiz stumbled on the secret of everlasting devotion.
The description of Softpedia’s Love Calculator reads, “This class implements a numerology algorithm to measure the so called "love factor" between the names of two persons.”
Much as Wikipedia annoys the heck out of me, I’m going to conveniently borrow its definition here:
“Numerology is any of many systems, traditions or beliefs in a mystical or esoteric relationship between numbers and physical objects or living things.
Numerology and numerological divination were popular among early mathematicians, such as Pythagoras, but are no longer considered part of mathematics and are regarded as pseudomathematics by most modern scientists.”
Pseudomathematics, eh? How can I be sure? Anyone can contribute to WikiLoadOfCrappia, and maybe, just maybe, in this instance they are wrong.
At lovecalculator.be, I have a chance to find out for myself.
This calculator seems to have total faith in its predictive ability.
“We've all been in your position before. The feeling of butterflies and weakened knees. It's the love of your life walking passed you. You wish you could reach out and sweep them into your arms but you know that you can't. You don't know if they feel the same way about you!”
Hmm, yes. I have often longed to sweep a box of Lindt’s Hazelnut Lindors into my arms. I just don’t know how they feel about me!
“The Love Calculator uses a complex scientific method that helps to calculate whether or not your crush likes you back! … it will DEFINITELY work for you!”
Eagerly, I type in the names “Thoraiya Dyer” and “Hazelnut Lindors”. The calculator also requires my #2 crush and my #3 crush, so I enter “Pomegranate” and “Tabbouleh” as well.
I am devastated to find out that the whole website is a prank. The names of my crushes have been forwarded to Christi, starry077@aol.com.
OH NO.
NOW EVERYONE KNOWS!
I might just have to end it all. I can never face my peers again.
But, wait. The results of my love calculations are given to me as a consolation prize.
Hazelnut Lindors and I are 77% compatible. Pomegranate comes out at 72% compatible. The clear champion is Tabbouleh, at 89%.
That’s good. I love eating tabbouleh. But the best part of the results page is this:
“Compatibility based on zodiac signs.”
How the heck would they know my zodiac sign without knowing my birthdate? And since when does pomegranate have a zodiac sign?
Oh well. Let’s try one more. With Jesus.
Now, I’m a Muslim, my friend Melissa is a Christian and my husband is an atheist. Let’s see who Jesus loves more!
As expected, Jesus only loves me 54%.
Jesus loves Melissa 66%, which fits with the scenario so far.
BUT, Jesus loves my husband 73%.
I’m afraid we must consider Love Calculator debunked. *has a small cry* However, this is the free love calculator on the internet. The $4.99 love calculator could be totally different.
Wouldn’t count on it, though.
And that’s all I have to say about that.
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Comment by Fobzy
Fobz
Nice post, my dear. I'm getting serious about life nowadays as I am to be married by the end of the year.
Comment by samaritan
Fringe Faith
Samaritan's Stories
Silly, huh! Although as I HUGE bon jovi fan, I am wondering what different nicknames etc I could use to get a good score with Jon Bon Jovi. Surely if I posted him the results, he'd be sure to fly over here and at least meet me.
Samaritan
Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
Comment by samaritan
Fringe Faith
Samaritan's Stories
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
hang on *still laughing*
Oh there we are, Bravo, on some brilliant research ... *giggle* I am also delighted to learn that Jesus loves me more than Tabouleh, but a little dissapointed to realise that Advacado's are more compatible to me than my Husband.
I might have to re-think my 17 year marriage now... *chuckle*
again, bravo!
Lilla ...
Comment by Thoraiya Dyer
Demented World
(If the Love Calculator tells you that you're not compatible, maybe try changing spellings like tricksy ol' samaritan??)
Samaritan: Aaah, nicknames, I never thought of that. You are cunning beyond the dreams of most Love Calculator users. When Jon Bon Jovi turns up at your next party, make sure to invite me, eh?
Ruby: Hello, thanks for the comment, I am one of many fans of your blog, whether or not it reflects your true personality
Lilla: Poor husband, beaten by an avocado...but if you have seen the Subway ads on TV, you will know that the true love of Avocado is in fact Chicken. So you don't have to re-think your marriage after all
Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
But I should clarify that i have a co-writer (Winston) and the post to which you are referring was written by him.
I try to avoid confusion by printing my name under the title everytime I post but sometimes I forget.
Comment by Thoraiya Dyer
Demented World
Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
Comment by Winston
Small Thoughts on Big Questions
What the f*#k is a Love Calculator?
Comment by Thoraiya Dyer
Demented World
eg. If you love Scarlett Johansson and you want to find out what the odds are that you will end up together forever, just ask a love calculator!
(several links in blog article above)
The day after I posted this, I was listening to the radio (Hamish and Andy) and discovered to my delight that there is also such thing as a "cheat calculator" which claims to know if your partner is cheating.
Hahaha.